Let’s Talk About our Boundaries

16 May 2021

Power in Naming Private Parts

First things first, children need to know the names of their private parts. It promotes body awareness, healthy body image, body confidence, helps them to express any discomfort they might have, normalising and making it ok to talk about private parts – not shaming or embarrassing them, and most importantly it gives them the tools to speak up if someone is hurting them. “Someone touched my cookie at school today” – that doesn’t sound so bad right? We might even brush it off as a silly incident at school between friends over a treat at snack time. Give them the correct vocabulary and tools to speak out “Someone touched my vagina at school today” – we have a totally different response, right?

These precious tiny tots (hopefully) come from a home where adults love, protect and keep them safe, they associate adults, or an authority figure, as someone who will wholeheartedly keep them safe. They have never been given a reason to mistrust or be scared of an adult in their life hurting them or violating their trust. It is a sad reality that it is unfortunately our job to prepare them for a world outside of the loving homes and places of safety we provide them. Of course, there is always a fine line between empowering, and instilling fear – be sure to give them the tools, in a way that promotes body awareness and boundaries, respectfully and confidently.

I Respect the Word No

When my tiny tots say NO! in whatever capacity that is, no matter how trivial or frustrating, I respect that. “I heard you say no, that means you don’t want to put your shoes on. I will stop trying to put them on you. When you are ready, can I help you?” As hard as it is, I will never force them to do anything related to their bodies that they have expressly said no too, I always want to show them that I respect their right to say no, recognise their boundaries, and as an adult I adhere to them. In the end, I feel it would be better for them to walk around in the cold barefoot, than begin to associate that when they say no to an adult, that adult is still allowed to do whatever they like to their bodies.

Other Ways I Instil THE IDEA OF Boundaries

• We talk about how we respect our own beautiful bodies, and especially those of others. We sing our respectful body song “My bodies nobody’s body but mine, you respect your body, and I’ll respect mine.”
• We regularly read the book “Cheeky” by Leon De Villiers, there is a lovely line in there that goes “No, this is my body, and I won’t let you touch it.”, we say it together each time Cheeky the crocodile encounters a jungle animal that wants to touch him.
• Most importantly, I display it in my actions with them. I show them that I also have boundaries, “I don’t like the way you are hitting my leg, this is teacher’s boundary, and I would like you to stop please”. During toilet time, I ask them every single time, if I can take their pants off for them to go to the toilet, I ask them If I should wipe or if they would prefer to, I ask them if it is ok for me to change their nappy, and I remind them to always ask a friend first if they want to be hugged, or to hold hands, as we all have the right to say “No, I don’t like that”.

• Every single day, during circle time, we talk about boundaries. I say to them “When someone does something to you that you don’t like, you say in a loud voice – NO, THAT’S MY BOUNDARY, because NO means no, stop”. We practise saying it out loud together. The acting friend then knows to put their hands up to show their kind hands, and immediately stop what they are doing because they respect the boundary.
• We talk about personal space, how we are all allowed our own space to play in, and the right not to be touched when we need our own space.
• I explain to them what a circle of trust is – the people in our lives that keep us safe, and who help us get dressed, bath, go to the toilet, or change our nappy.
• We talk about how we respect our own beautiful bodies, and especially those of others. We sing our respectful body song “My bodies nobody’s body but mine, you respect your body, and I’ll respect mine.”
• We regularly read the book “Cheeky” by Leon De Villiers, there is a lovely line in there that goes “No, this is my body, and I won’t let you touch it.”, we say it together each time Cheeky the crocodile encounters a jungle animal that wants to touch him.
• Most importantly, I display it in my actions with them. I show them that I also have boundaries, “I don’t like the way you are hitting my leg, this is teacher’s boundary, and I would like you to stop please”. During toilet time, I ask them every single time, if I can take their pants off for them to go to the toilet, I ask them If I should wipe or if they would prefer to, I ask them if it is ok for me to change their nappy, and I remind them to always ask a friend first if they want to be hugged, or to hold hands, as we all have the right to say “No, I don’t like that”.

What Other Ways Can We Protect Them?

Children have the right to feel safe all the time, that is my number 1 rule in my classroom. I know it is hard to have these conversations, to consistently instil all these principles, and to think about anyone possibly hurting them, but we should empower them with all the tools necessary to protect themselves.

Don’t be afraid of using big words, like “respect” “boundary” “consent” “trust” repeatedly using it in the right context will help them understand its meaning, it will also equip them with the vocabulary to verbalise their feelings, and understand what touches, or words, are and are not ok. We want to get to a point where they understand when their bodies are telling them they are unsafe, what a safe and an unsafe touch is, how others should talk to them – with respect, and what private vs. public body parts are.

I hope this helps to provide you with the confidence to empower your beautiful tiny tot. Remember these are just my own thoughts, learnings, understanding and practical tips I apply and feel works best, everyone is different, and you need to do what is right for you and your tot.

• Never force them to hug or kiss another adult (even if it is a family member), first ask if they want to, if they say no, respond with “that’s ok, I hear you said no, and we respect that.” Children have the right to set their own boundaries, and our job is to honour them, even if that offends the other person wanting a hug.
• Never tickle them past the point of them saying no or stop, say out loud, “I heard you say stop, and that you are done with tickling now.”
• Never tell them to keep a secret, if they tell you, they have a secret, respond with “We don’t keep secrets in this family, if someone ever tells you a secret you tell me, so I can keep you safe”
• Let them assert themselves with empowering phrases you can teach them: “I need some space please”, “No thank you” “Please stop” “I don’t like / want to do that” “Hands to yourself” “Space please” “I’m going to give you a high 5 instead” “I don’t like it when you speak to me like that”

Children have the right to feel safe all the time, that is my number 1 rule in my classroom. I know it is hard to have these conversations, to consistently instil all these principles, and to think about anyone possibly hurting them, but we should empower them with all the tools necessary to protect themselves.

Don’t be afraid of using big words, like “respect” “boundary” “consent” “trust” repeatedly using it in the right context will help them understand its meaning, it will also equip them with the vocabulary to verbalise their feelings, and understand what touches, or words, are and are not ok. We want to get to a point where they understand when their bodies are telling them they are unsafe, what a safe and an unsafe touch is, how others should talk to them – with respect, and what private vs. public body parts are.

I hope this helps to provide you with the confidence to empower your beautiful tiny tot. Remember these are just my own thoughts, learnings, understanding and practical tips I apply and feel works best, everyone is different, and you need to do what is right for you and your tot.

Teacher Amy! x